You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
