I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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