This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
