I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
