can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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