there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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