If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
