where am i from again
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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