So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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