it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize