Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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