Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
