Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
