i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
