Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
