I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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