My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
