apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
