So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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