he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
