I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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