I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
