Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
