"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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