I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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