McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize