You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do vagina's smell?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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