come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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