There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
