If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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