The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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