I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
