You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
