Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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