He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
