roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
