It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
