Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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