Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
