There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
