keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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