just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
