dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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