I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize