so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
