So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dick very happy bro
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