I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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