he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
