I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
