So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
