Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
