I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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