The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
