I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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