I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
