Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I want a musical about memes.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
