dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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