who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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