need another drink. this is the easiest way
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
