Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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