Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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